Holiday Traditions, not Trappings

Published in Atlanta Parent and Central California Parent

Joel and Caleb's gingerbread house tradition

Panicking over the impending, non-ending list of holiday to-dos? Wait a minute! When did the holidays morph from moments of meaning to pre-holiday months of mania?

I used to epitomize the stressed-out holiday mom, snapping at her four kids (No, you can’t change your list to Santa – too late for that!), snagging parking spaces at the mall, risking life and limb (not mine), and frantically Photoshopping my family into an online holiday card at last-minute rush-order pace.

It didn’t stop there. There weren’t just gifts to buy, there was a tree to decorate, a house to ensconce, outdoor lights to get up, cookies to bake, gifts for the teachers, holiday parties to attend, and…

Oh my God. My stomach is churning just thinking about it.

One year, a few years back, I decided enough. I sat and evaluated just how important these trappings were in the spirit of the season, and frankly came to the conclusion that most of it just didn’t matter. Here I was, trying to create the “perfect” Christmas, one that Bing Crosby would come home to in his dreams, and it was making me schizoid.

Believe me, a schizoid mom is no fun for my kids, husband, or the hapless salesperson behind the counter.

A Planning Problem?

I know what all you Type A’ers out there are thinking right now: “She just needs to plan better.” You are the ones who get the tree the day after Thanksgiving and then leisurely decorate it – and their house – that weekend. You’re the ones with the stash of gifts that have been accumulating since August in your neatly-organized closet. You’ve had the professional portrait done, the cards pre-addressed, by hand. And when a friend like me calls to ask you how you’re holding up in the midst of holiday planning, you reply, “Oh I just have a few more things to pick up, but basically I’m done.”

I’m frankly speechless when I hear that, not wanting to admit I’ve yet to throw out the rotting Halloween Jack-O-Lantern on my front steps.

So I call my like-minded friends, the ones who still have their drooping pumpkins too. They affirm me, and make me feel OK for not even thinking about the holidays, much less doing anything about them. They’re also the ones who, like me, get excited when I tell them I’ve dropped a lot of the holiday trappings in exchange for holiday traditions.

Cutting through the Clutter

I don’t do outdoor lights. I send a photo card, but only to out-of-town friends and family who truly want to see how big my kids have grown. I don’t get a tree until two weeks before Christmas. There are no fake deer on my lawn. My kids get three presents – one big, two small from my husband and I. I steer miles-clear of any mall, choosing local shops instead or buying online. I make one kind of cookie – usually sugar – because I love to bake with my kids. And they love the cookie cutters.

But what I enjoy most are the “traditions” that have evolved over the years in our family – traditions that my kids insist on, that have grown on us, and that bring a semblance of happiness and holiness back to the holiday.

Traditions don’t have to be complicated – they just are the things “we always do.” My kids, ages 8 to 18 always buy gifts for each other with their own money. They have discovered the timeless truth that it is better to give than receive. We always decorate the tree together, and each child has his/her favorite ornaments that they carefully hang on a prime-real estate limb. My son makes homemade eggnog before church on Christmas Eve (his special recipe), then we come home and sing carols around the piano. My husband always reads “’Twas The Night Before Christmas” and then I sing it – to the melody of Fred Waring and the Pennsylvanians from my childhood. We put out cookies and milk for Santa and a carrot for Rudolph.

Our kids will not allow us to skip any of these small things, because these are our traditions. And I love that.

Changing Your Focus

So what’s on your list that is pressing but may not be lasting in your children’s memories? Take a few moments and think – really think – about giving your holiday “have-to’s” a thoughtful makeover. Ask your kids what they most love about the holidays. It’ll give you insight into what can go and what should stay. Create new traditions with your family – or keep the old. Then ditch the things you dread and bravely define – with your family – what a simpler, more meaningful holiday looks like.

Then go and enjoy every moment of the process. And please, don’t send me an obligatory card, OK?

OK, then.